The Crossroads

I wrote the blog below almost 2 years ago. It was right after I left my job to go on the World Race and it was one of the most painful experiences in my life up to that point.

That journey was the first time I actually sat in the depths of my pain. And it was the first time I sat in such deep pain, not alone, but fully in the arms of my Father in heaven.

What I didn't realize at the time was that journey set the precedent for every time since when I have experienced pain, whether big or small. It has made it so I'm not sorry when I go through deeply painful experiences.

Yes my heart still hurts so deeply that afterwards it feels "like a wound in which the bleeding from the original break has slowed, but leaves me feeling like a whimpering puppy". And yes, anger still comes as a part of the grieving.

But now I see it as a necessary part of the process. Now I don't run from it, I embrace it. Now I know that when it starts hurting like that, I need to find some space with Jesus, so He can hold me in my grieving and slowly start to speak new life and hope.

My sweet friend put it like this, "I think the crossroads of grief and hope colliding is such an intimate space of meeting Jesus, since it’s a crossroad He’s been in too." She is so right. It is a space of intimacy with Jesus. And I could not want anything more for my life.

So as you read through this journey of pain I went on almost 2 years ago, I encourage you to open your heart. I encourage you to use this time of being confined to our homes as a space to find the crossroads of grief and hope. A space to find intimacy with Jesus. A space that will ultimately lead you to intimacy with your Father in heaven, with Abba.

Abba. The One who is love. The One who created you to be loved. And the One who is waiting at the end of the aisle to receive you in His loving arms forever. Let Jesus walk you down the aisle to Abba. There's no other beauty like it.

A Journey of Pain

"Last Thursday was my final day at my job. My final day of living daily life with the people who have been my second family over the past 2 years, my home away from home. I wanted to share with you the journey I’ve been on since I said goodbye, and the thoughts I’ve had as I’ve processed that journey.

I don’t know if my heart has ever broken like that before. The pain was so real, so raw, so physically present. There was no room for renewal that night (Thursday). There was only pain. Pain that I had to sit in. I wanted it to go away so bad. It hurt so much. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do. I was in complete agony. But I knew if I didn’t sit in it, with my Father God, it could never be fully restored. So I sat in the unbearable pain and just wept loudly. I wept while writhing in physical pain, for hours. I eventually made it home that night and eventually fell asleep.

The next morning felt very surreal, almost like I couldn’t believe I had been in that much pain the night before. Going through that much pain seemed unimaginable. But I had the open wound to prove I had. My heart felt like a wound in which the bleeding from the original break had slowed but had left me like a whimpering puppy. It was not outright pain anymore. More of a subdued pain. But it was still there. A fresh wound.

I felt the anger start to come. Anger for having to go through this. Anger of not wanting to meet my World Race team because I didn’t want to give up my current family for a new one. But through it all I begged God to sit with me and steer my emotions in the right direction. Because only He could.

Throughout that next day, the moments of sharp pain came and went. Different things reminded my heart of what it had lost. Yet other things slowly gave glimpses of renewal.

Through this journey, I have come to understand the immense courage it takes to go through the pain. To sit in it and feel it without putting up any blockers. It takes courage because it hurts so much. It would be immensely easier to block the pain and not have to go through the agony, to ignore it all. But when we do that, we give way to bitterness, anger, fear, and depression.

When we do not allow ourselves to sit in the pain with our Father, we do not give Him the opportunity to bring new life from the pain, to renew what was broken, to turn the pain into gratefulness. When we deny God of that opportunity, there’s only room for the fear, anger, bitterness, and depression.

I find this as yet another way we live in Christ’s likeness. He had to sit in and feel the pain of the cross, of all of our sins. But had He not sat in it with the Father, had He not bore our burdens, the new life that came from the cross would never have been accomplished.

So whatever pain you find yourself in, whether big or small, now or later, I pray you will look to the Father for the strength to be courageous and engage the pain. Because when you do that, God does amazing things."